Herbert and Agent go to Ikea and get hella lost the fanfic
by kitsunefireball
Summary: The Agent and Herbert decide to visit an unusual building Agent discovered in the woods, not knowing what lies ahead. What kind of Hijinks will these two get up to? Who will they meet? Will there be fish pizza! Find out next time on HAAGTIAGHLTF!
1. Chapter 1: Monkey Business

"Are we THERE yet?" Herbert huffed, trotting through the snow next to The Agent. Honestly, he didn't even know _how_ he got roped into this. The Agent just...showed up at his doorstep at twelve in the morning, chirping his ear off about a mysterious building in the woods they had found on a patrol, and wanted to visit. He didn't even know why he decided to go with them. After all, this could've been a trap, or an ambush set up by the Extremely Petty Force. Still though, there was...an odd feeling driving him. A pull, of sorts. He decided to go with his gut, just this once, and hoped it wouldn't come back to bite him later.

Yeah, he soon regretted the decision to go with The Agent. All he wanted to do was go back home and sleep. Was that his blanket calling him, or was he hearing things?

Herbert hid a yawn behind one of his paws, looking down at his companion...If you could really call them that. They were more rivals than anything, really. The Agent looked almost as tired as he was, but still held that chipper-ness about them that theyve always had, albeit a bit subdued from how they normally acted. How did they find the energy...?

"Almost, just be a bit patient!" The Agent sent a smirk his way. "Or are you saying you DON'T want to see something really cool?" 

Herbert grumbled to himself, crossing his arms and suppressing a shiver. "I think ive seen enough 'cool' things for one lifetime, thank you." 

The Agent devolved into a fit of laughter that slowly ebbed away after a minute or two. "Pfff- and people say you don't have a sense of humor!" 

Herbert rolled his eyes. "Whatever." 

The Agent stopped short, staring ahead blankly as they grabbed Herbert's arm. "We're here."

Herbert had one word for what he saw before him. 

Spooky. 

And it really was. Standing there in the pale moonlight, was a building. It wasn't like any building he had ever seen before. The Agent was right when they said it was mysterious, the entire place radiated a...weird aura. Not that he'd ever think they were right or anything. That would go against his genius persona. It was a mixture of a dark, ultramarine blue, and bright yellow, that stood out starkly against the snowy forest of the wilderness. The words above the building read 'IKEA' and Herbert donned a puzzled expression. What the heck was an IKEA? Was it a secret weapon or something? What did it stand for? 

"Uh...What is it?" 

The Agent grinned. A grin that deeply unsettled the polar bear. He didn't like that grin. That look was usually reserved for the times when The Agent was about to do something extremely foolhardy, reckless, downright dangerous, or some unholy combination of all three. Sure enough, he got his answer when The Agent turned that manic grin towards him, eyes alight with mischief. 

"Lets find out." 

...Nope.

Nope nope nope, he was not dealing with this, it was way too early to deal with The Agent's shenanigans, Nope. Herbert went to turn around, to go back to his cave and _forget this mess ever happened_ but The Agent acted first, grabbing him by his paw and leading him towards the building. 

Herbert sighed, a long suffering one. "Great. Amazing. This is how we die." 

The Agent rolled their eyes. "Don't be so dramatic, Herbert. And here I thought you were confident nothing could ever beat you." 

Herbert gave them a flat look, barely keeping a sassy retort about his self esteem off of his tongue. "Nothing can, I'm just worried that whatever's in there is gonna get you first." The Agent put a flipper to their chest, looking at them like they were about to cry. Oh jeez, was it something he said, he didn't mean t- 

"Awwww, you do care!" 

Nevermind, The Agent is a LIAR and he should've known better than to trust those crocodile tears. 

"No I don't, quit spreading lies. I thought you were honest." 

Herbert pointedly looked away from The Agent, who was giving him an impossibly smug look, and spotted something. 

"Is that a monkey?" Herbert blurted the first thing he thought before he had a chance to stop himself. 

Sure enough, there was a monkey, donned in a fluffy white coat, just...standing on the concrete in-front of the building. Something about it was odd. It was like it was from another time, like it was an all-mighty immortal being judging them for their sins. It looked over at them, and Herbert stopped in his tracks, vaguely aware of The Agent following his eyes. 

"...Ooh, is that our tour guide?" 

"..."

Herbert raised a paw to his face, rubbing the bridge of his muzzle. This was going to be one _long_ night.

* * *

 **Punstorm AN: Hello! I'm glad you decided to read this, First chapter will be a little bit short, but Motivation permitting, I might write more when possible! I hope you enjoy the story!**


	2. Chapter 2: This place is Creepy!

Herbert glanced back over to The Agent once he was done trying to massage his headache away. Unfortunately, the source of said headaches was here to stay, if the curiosity-filled expression they were staring at the building with was any indication. Now he really regretted leaving his warm, comfortable armchair behind.

But of course, if there was one thing that The Agent was good at, it was getting their crazy, last minute, hastily thought-up plans to work as well as any carefully planned operation. He had no doubt that if he refused, they'd find some way to get him to come along anyways. Oh well.

Herbert risked a glance back over to the empty parking lot, and felt a wave of paranoia run down his back.

The monkey was gone. He had looked away for a moment, and it vanished, seemingly into thin air. Did...Was he seeing things?

"Uh...Where did the monkey go? It was just here a second ago!"

The Agent seemed to snap out of their staring for a second, and scanned their eyes over the parking lot a few times, noticing a blatant lack of fur-coat garbed monkeys. They opened their beak to speak, words coming out in barely a whisper.

"I….I don't know..."

Both of them stared at the empty lot.

And stared.

And stared.

And stared.

Herbert huffed, and shook his head, pointedly ignoring the feeling of his fur standing a bit more on end than usual. It was nothing. He was calm, cool, collected, and NOTHING would get under his skin.

"Oh whatever, let's hurry up and get inside, It's too cold for this!" Herbert half-growled, stomping towards the door. He would NOT admit that the Monkey got to him. Never. He wouldn't. He was HERBERT P. BEAR, ESQUIRE, AND HE WOULD NOT BE PERTURBED BY A PESKY, PERPLEXING PRIMATE!

The Agent quietly snickered in amusement, following along quietly, even though they too felt the slightest bit creeped out. Boy, Herbert looked anxious. Did the Monkey really freak him out that badly? Well...it was gone now, so hopefully they could move on. They spent enough time just hanging out in the parking lot.

Without another thought, the two of them stepped into the IKEA.

Wow. It was….Big. For lack of a better word. Even just standing in the doorway, the building was absolutely massive, and he could spot merchandise not too far from the door proper. From what he could see, this place was a store of some kind. Price tags were attached to the few furniture items he could see from here. The only light that appeared to be on was the light above the doors themselves. The rest of the store got darker and darker the further you got from the entrance, limiting his view significantly. And if he strained his ears, he thought he could hear whispers.

Needless to say, Herbert had his doubts about pressing onward. Something about this place just screamed 'IT'S A TRAP!', in all capital letters, and he wasn't sure if he wanted to stick around to find out if it was or not. This place felt…off. It was the same feeling he got from the Monkey, this place shouldn't _be_ here at all, it was not right, and it filled him with unease.

The Agent apparently thought otherwise, though. They were looking around the store with wonder in their eyes, clearly torn about what to explore first, taking gradual steps inside. Herbert was just a bit baffled. Didn't they find this place the least bit unnerving? He was feeling chills just standing here! He...He didn't know if he wanted to continue onwards. He wasn't a coward by any means, but the rational part of his mind was saying that this was an _extremely bad idea_.

"Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go explore!"

Ohohoho no, he was NOT going in any further than this. Absolutely not, this place felt WRONG and he was not going to stick around for longer than he had to. He wasn't scared. Not at all. He had to get back to his hideout anyways, Klutzy was probably wondering where he was right about now.

"You are clearly out of your mind if you think i'm going any further into this death-trap!" Herbert snapped, his nerves were getting to him. "We should get back, anyways, it's late and i'm tired! We can continue this little escapade in the morning!" he whirled around, stomping back towards the door.

"Wait, come back!" The Agent called, their voice echoing through the empty store, they sounded upset, but Herbert wouldn't be swayed, he had to get out of here. This place was too freaky, he knew coming here was a bad idea, watch, he was going to be ambushed any second now! Paranoia won out as he stepped towards the entrance of the store, barely keeping his features from betraying his thoughts. He'd never hear the end of it if The Agent thought he, of all people was scared.

Even if a little part of him whispered that he was.

Herbert grabbed the handle of the door and yanked. 

* * *

**Punstorm AN: Cliffhangers are the best, aren't they? Don't worry! If all goes as planned, I should add another chapter today! :3c Hope you're ready! Also, Just a question, How is my characterization so far? If anything seems a bit 'off' to you guys, or you notice something I should change with my writing, please let me know! It'll really help in the long run!**


	3. Chapter 3: YELLING IS FUN

The door was locked.

The door was _Locked_.

Herbert stared at the door handle in naked horror, dread pooling in the pit of his stomach. There's no way it could be locked, they just came through it, there's no possible way-

But it was.

"...Herbert? Are you alright?" Oh, he had almost forgotten The Agent was here with him.

"I'm _fine_." he bit back with the slightest bit of heat. He was still on edge but...Well, sitting here freaking out wouldn't help matters. He schooled his expression into his usual scowl- a mask, can't have The Agent thinking he actually WAS scared.

"Anyway, now that the door is _locked_ , what do you propose we do?"

The Agent seemed to think for a moment, tapping a flipper to the bottom of their beak. Herbert could practically _see_ the gears turning in their head. He wouldn't admit it of course, but he felt...a little bit better having them here. Sure, they were his enemy, but he also knew if there was one penguin who was capable of getting out of any sticky situation, it was them. That, and they were a rather familiar face.

"Well...I suppose we could go around and explore for a bit, maybe grab some supplies as we go, we might be in here for a while," The Agent hummed, "That, and there's plenty of furniture around, incase we need to build something."

"Not a very sound plan, but I guess it's better than nothing." Herbert replied. He took another glance around the store, the darkness ahead filled him with just a little bit of trepidation. "Er...You do have a flashlight on you, right?"

"Huh?" The Agent looked confused for a moment. "Oh! I don't but...I do have my Spy-phone on me, G installed a flashlight function on it."

The Agent paused.

Herbert paused.

"YOU HAD YOUR PHONE ON YOU THE ENTIRE TIME?!" Herbert near-screeched, voice echoing through the building, his fear completely forgotten, replaced with sheer disbelief. "SERIOUSLY?!"

"WELL I'M SORRY, I FORGOT I HAD IT, SUE ME!" The Agent shot back, at the same exact volume, embarrassment written on their features as clear as day.

"THEN WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR, CALL SOMEONE TO OPEN THE DOORS!" Herbert retorted, fighting back a grin. Man, it's been a long since they argued, at least they had _some_ sense of normalcy now.

"ALRIGHT YOU DON'T HAVE TO SHOUT AT ME!" The Agent huffed, fishing their spy-phone out of their pocket. They were hiding a smirk of their own, behind thinly veiled agitation. They swiped through their phone, coming to their contacts, they dialed the help-line of the Elite Penguin Force.

The phone had rung 6 times, before it clicked….there was nothing but static on the other end, and what sounded like...beeping? Before The Agent had a chance to say something, the call ended.

"Well, it looks like using the phone was a bust," The Agent muttered, "There was nothing but static on the other end. We're on our own." Out of curiosity, they tried the teleporter app, just to see if that was still functional. Sadly, it wasn't. The box showed up as normal, but just closed after a second, like it had been cancelled. "Teleporter is out too, unfortunately."

Herbert sighed, he wasn't that surprised, honestly. Chalk it up to cynicism. "Whatever, just get the flashlight doohickey working so we can actually see five feet infront of us."

The Agent had to hold back a laugh, doohickey? "Alright alright, i'm working on it, be patient." A few giggles escaped. Why was that word so funny? That- No, no, they had to focus, now's not the time for shenanigans. As fun as they are. That'd be for when they both escape from this place.

They swiped to their home screen and clicked the 'Gadgets' option, and then the flashlight function. Upon sliding the switch on the phone screen up, light burst forth from the back of the spy-phone, lighting up a good bit of the floor in-front of them.

"Alright, now we're getting somewhere!" The Agent felt a smile tug at their beak. "Let's go, before we hang around the door all night." they turned around, and started walking, phone illuminating the path ahead.

Herbert rolled his eyes. " _Finally_." He followed after The Agent, here's hoping they actually knew where they were going.

* * *

 **Punstorm A/N: And that's a wrap! I hope you enjoyed this chapter, if you notice anything out of place like a typo or grammar issue/characterization issue, please don't hesitate to let me know! Thanks for reading!**


	4. Chapter 4: The plot thickens!

They had been walking for a while until The Agent had noticed it. 

Herbert looked nervous. Like, _extremely_ nervous. 

That was…kind've an understatement, honestly. ever since they had left the door's light and had journeyed onward into the dark store, he looked really tense. The Agent knew he was prone to being a bit…paranoid, but this? It had them worried.

They had been walking for a while now in an awkward silence, The Agent holding the flashlight as they walked with Herbert trailing beside them. When he heard the building creak and groan, or heard a distant noise, he startled. Of course, every time The Agent looked over to make sure he was alright, they got a scowl in return- as well as a sarcastic quip- And then he lapsed into silence once more.

The store… _was_ pretty dark they had to admit. And the silence was kind've unnerving them as well, they could feel the feathers on their neck threatening to stand on end. All in all…it felt like they were being watched. 

…They needed to break the silence. 

But how? 

Well…a joke or two couldn't hurt, could it? They _really_ hoped this would work. They didn't like seeing Herbert so spooked, usually, it was _him_ doing the spooking! They'd fix this...with terrible, terrible jokes. If there was one thing they knew Herbert liked, it was wordplay! 

"Hey, do you want to hear a joke?" 

Herbert turned his head towards The Agent, nearly stumbling over his two legs as his stride hesitated for a moment.  
"Oh- uhm…sure? What brought this on?"

"Oh nothing, I just thought of a really funny one! Anyway, here it goes…" The Agent began, carefully schooling their face into a neutral expression.

"What do you call a tiny joke?" 

…Huh? 

Herbert scrunched his eyebrows together in confusion. He didn't get it. 

"I don't know, what?"

The Agent fought the smile trying to grow on their face.

"A _little funny_." 

The Agent was trying so hard to hide in their giggles…and then Herbert _snorted_. 

Both of them looked at eachother… 

And then they both dissolved into fits of giggles, The Agent holding a flipper to their beak and Herbert trying to hide the smile growing on his face. Curse his love for terrible jokes, that one was plain _awful!_

"Yeah, real funny. _I_ could do better." Herbert said, still grinning. He was pretty good at wordplay after all, he wouldn't be defeated by his rival, not now, not ever!

"Oh, _really?_ " The Agent asked, raising an eyebrow and giving Herbert their most challenging mock-glare. "Hit me with your best shot, then!"

"Fine, I will!" 

That was the start of the magnificent IKEA joke-war. The cheesiness created in those glorious few minutes could give the final level of the Pizzatron 3000 a run for its money. 

Every time The Agent told an awful pun, Herbert was quick to reply with a terrible joke of his own, this carried on for a good ten minutes of walking. Needless to say, it was a welcome change from the atmosphere before. 

"-And then he says, a soda please, and one for the road!" Herbert finished, grinning like a loon as The Agent laughed beside him, barely able to keep themselves walking straight. 

"Alright Alright that one was pretty good, but trust me, this one is gonna-" The Agent started, but was interrupted by a sharp hiss.

"Shh!" Herbert suddenly placed a paw in-front of them, freezing in place himself. He looked…Really spooked. "Do…Do you hear that?"

"Hear what?" The Agent went quiet, straining their ears for the sound that Herbert apparently heard. They couldn't hear anything first but…it almost sounded like…shuffling. Accompanied with ominous clicking…clicking that sounded like whatever it was had _claws_.

Herbert gulped. "What do you think it is?" He whispered, shuffling backwards warily.

"I don't know…maybe we should check it out. It sounds close." The Agent whispered back, eyes locking onto the general direction of the sound.

Gone was the agent that was trading jokes a moment before, now replaced with an experienced spy capable of taking on anything that life threw at them. The change was so sudden, it nearly gave Herbert whiplash. Soon enough though, he was able to shake off his surprise.

"Are you _crazy?_ Who knows what lies over there, what if we're attacked or something?" Herbert hissed, his eyes flickering towards the direction of the shuffling. It was a little bit too close for his liking.

"What if we aren't, and its somebody else trapped in the store? We can't just leave them!" The Agent shot back, at an equal volume. "Come on, it won't be that bad, I bet it's just a puffle that got locked in here with us or something."

Herbert _really_ hated when they had a good point. He sighed, scowling at the offending shadows lurking just outside the column of light coming from The Agent's spyphone.

"Ugh…Fine, but if something happens to us, I reserve the right to say I told you so."

With that disagreement out of the way, they pressed onward, The Agent keeping an eye out for anything that seemed strange, aside from Herbert himself. He was always strange. Eventually, they stopped at the source of the noise: A metal rack. More importantly, a metal rack filled with beach balls. 

Ones that were _Moving_. 

The Agent took a step back, hesitating just a bit. They worried the bottom of their beak, glancing at Herbert as they did so. What if he was right, and they did get attacked? The doors were locked, they'd essentially be stuck with no way out, and no backup from the EPF either. They'd be sitting ducks! It was…a scary thought to say the least.

Herbert, noticing their gaze, looked over to them and raised an eyebrow. "What, you don't expect _me_ to check it out, do you?" He whispered, stepping back from the Basket of Doom, casting fearful glances at it every so often.

"Er…i'm just…working up the courage, thats all, just gimme a sec!" The Agent replied nervously, staring at the basket warily. In all honesty, this was like a scene in a horror movie, they wondered if coming over here was such a good idea.

Funny enough, Herbert was thinking the exact same thing. The suspense was killing him, and he couldn't help but make a snarky comment in an attempt to break the tension. "Well, you sure are taking your sweet time aren't you?" Herbert drawled, rolling his eyes. 

The Agent shot him an unimpressed look. "Alright alright, don't get your fur in a bunch!" They huffed, rolling their eyes right back.

The Agent reached out a flipper…

And promptly _screamed_ when something erupted from the basket.

* * *

 **Punstorm A/N: Aaaand scene! I hope you're liking the cliffhangers so far, now I see why people like using them so much! So, who do you think our mysterious shuffler is?**


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